I don't suppose there's much I can do aside from waiting it out. Any ideas?

Thanks for contacting me! I think preying on the weak of mind is a zesty enterprise! How about this. YOU give me $1000, then, later, I will give YOU $1,000,000!!! All I need is your SS#, DOB, name, and.... well, $1000. Also: I am the King of Spain. I PLAN TO MURDER YOU SOON. Please take advantage of this opportunity, as it will not be available for long! I really hope to hear from you! Please keep this between you and I, as hope to complete this transaction in confidence. I think you are good looking. I am a Prince in Africa. I WANT TO EAT YOUR TESTICLES. I want to make you rich, however, I also want to tickle you into submission. DO YOU LIKE CEREAL? I think that puns are the highest form of humor! I am looking forward to hearing from you. If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may have an enlarged prostate, which could require lengthy surgical procedures! Painful and bloody surgery could cost you thousands of dollars, as this opportunity will assure you $999,000! It will also assure you a serious ball-licking, as well as a healthy prostate and murder! I hope you have pancakes for breakfast tomorrow, as I plan to have a squirrel throwing contest with your mother, in which the top-prize is the peanut you use for a brain. Toodles. Hope all is well. You are a salad bar!

Of course - responding to spam emails is a bad idea because it confirms for the spammer that your address is valid and current. Maybe you could set up a dummy email account just for this purpose (Gmail allows you to send from multiple addresses).

It's a true rags to riches story. Life on easy street, baby! Some dude named Peter emailed me today offering me one million, four hundred twenty five thousand fucking dollars. And All I have to do is let him deposit a bunch of his money in my bank account. His stupid dad was assassinated or something. I didn't really read the whole thing. All I know is I've got the kind of cash that makes chicks forget all sexual inhibitions.

from: peter akanga (peterakanga0@yahoo.fr)
reply-to: peterazanga@yahoo.fr
date: Mon, Dec 8, 2008 at 12:16 PM
subject: THANKS FROM PETER

Dear,

I know that my message will come to you as a surprise since I don’t know you in person or met with you before, but I am of the believe that you would be obliged to come to my assistance after hearing about my situation.I was, until recently, a Medical student of the University of Abidjan, Ivory Coast West Africa.

I am the only child of late Mr Frederick Azanga. My father was a very wealthy cocoa merchant based in Abidjan, the economic capital of Ivory Coast. He was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outing to discuss on a business last year.

When my mother died on the October 1989, my father took me so special because I am motherless. Before the death of my father last year, in a private hospital here in Abidjan. He secretly called me on his bed side and told me that he has a sum of US$ 9,500,000 left in account in a bank here in Abidjan, that he used my name for the next of kin in deposit of the fund. He also explained to me that it is because of this wealth that he was poisoned by his business associates.

1) I am honourably seeking your assistance to provide a bank account where this money will be transferred to.
2) You will serve as the guardian of this funds since I am a boy of 20 years.
3) You will make arrangement for me to come over to your country after the money has been transferred to you.I have plans to do investment in your country, like real estate and
industrial production.This is my reason for writing to you. Please if you are willing to assist me please indicate your interest.

I am willing to offer you 15% of the total sum as compensation for your effort/input after this successful transfer of this fund to your nominated account overseas.
Finally if you have any question as regards this transaction, so that I will send you documents of this fund. Note that the confidentiality of this transaction would be highly appreciated in replying soonest.
Thanks and best regards.

Peter Azanga
Email address azangapeter1@yahoo.fr

Hmmm... I wonder why this dude references three different email addresses. And why is his name spelled differently throughout? And how did he get my contact info? Uh oh...

Shit. I just read the last couple of lines. He wants me to keep this shit confidential. Fuck. I really screwed up this time. I probably ruined it by posting this on the glorious interwebs.

Okay. I take back everything I said before. I'll let you be my friends again.

The new lineup really worked for us. The venue was packed and the booker seemed psyched. The audience was into it too - they even chanted for an encore (which we gladly delivered). I'm hoping this leads to gigs at bigger venues. We're trying to play maybe every six weeks instead of a couple times every month. That should give us time to cut an album. Fuck, maybe we'll even plan a tour.

Email us (thecodesmusic AT gmail DOT com) if you want to be included on our retarded spam email that we send every once in a while when we're not feeling lazy. And tell all your friends to add us on MySpace. I mean it. This is mandatory. Or don't. Whatever.

So I wanted to create my own 12 step program for people who want to quit drinking or shooting up or whatever. But this shit ain't easy. I've only gotten to step five so far and now I have writer's block. Here's what I have so far:

Step one: We can have lots of fun
Step two: Theres so much we can do
Step three: It's just you and me
Step four: I can give you more
Step five: Don't you know the time has arrived

Okay, that was a long way to go for a stupid gag. Fuck it.

Also - Travis's roommate wants to know "What's weirder: gay blacks or gay Asians?"

And things were good. We had 5 authors at our prime. 5 of my best friends. And they made me laugh daily, and in Elwood/Jason's (not JJ, for the uninitiated) case, sometimes 50 times a day. Man, that guy posted a lot. Eventually, we had to stop doing the QW! site. Basically, someone lost a job over it, and was then threatened to be blackballed by certain government organizations. So, when we quit, some of us branched into other sites.

Fast forward a few years. Now, it seems that everyone and their brother (including fucking characters from tv shows) have a blog. I imagine these individuals rushing home to blog their thoughts (which are, at most times, neither interesting nor entertaining), and show the world "just how special I am". I imagine them with smug little looks on their face as they spout out their "Mundane Ramblings On the Edge of Reality from a Crazy Girl/Guy On a Quest to Find Himself/Herself". (Did I miss any shitty blog titles? Come the fuck on, people) I imagine them fastidiously clicking the "Get Mail" button to see if anyone commented on their funny post about how people in the coffee line are really dumb and how Sheila, the bitch at the office, pissed off the wrong person today! I imagine all of this with clarity, constantly reminding myself that the world is full of fucking retarded, trite, ignorant, callous and decidedly petty people. Am I dismayed at this revelation? Not quite. Do I liken the blogging world to an adult High School? Fucking Absolutely.

Which brings me to today, on one hand, I can name at least 8 'die-hard' bloggers who have 'quit' blogging. Usually with some dramatic statement, indicating just how profound they really were. It is these people, who have renewed my dream of the End of Days. Am I a dick? Absolutely. But are you not entertained? Wait, let me put on my gladiator's costume and scream that, "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!?!!?"

The thing I love about guys like JJ or Maine (from that QWMaine site) is that while they put a lot of effort into their "Insane Ponderings of A Girl in the City", they take it with a grain of salt. They're self-deprecating, and aware that their blog is just as stupid as any other, and not some Tome of Lore that will be mulled over by Bambridge Scholars.

But you see, that's what seperates the cream from the whey, as it were. These guys are truly like that. When we get together, we might talk about some existential theory on the true meaning of life (thanks, MaryJane!), but at the end of the day we know we're abso-fucking-lutely retarded and no one cares about what we think. Does it stop us from being ourselves? No. But we're not going to be winning any Nobel Peace Prizes anytime soon, either.

"So, Ev", you blithely ask, "What's your fucking point?" My point is merely this: No one cares about you, your life, or your blog. The only readers you ever really had, were most likely friends of yours (or friends of friends). Anyone else, just came to your site to get traffic, or spam ads for penis enlargement, free prescription medications, or games of Texas Hold'em. To quote Tyler Durden: "You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying matter as everything else. You are the all singing, all dancing crap of the world." Get the fuck over yourself.

Incidently, if you now hate me and want to tell me off, please feel free to do so. Just don't be surprised if I don't care.

Comment spammers are silly fucks.  For some reason, they've set their spambots to attack The Churning, even though Askimet cockblocks them every time.  Usually, we get a dozen or so spam comments each week, but over the past three days we've snubbed more than a thousand dummy comments.

Being under attack sucks, but there's one positive spin to this story.  Before this recent shitstorm, the spam around here had been deadly-dull.  "Discount valium", "bargain viagra", "penis enlargement pills"...  I was beginning to think spammers had no imagination.  At least this time I was entertained.  Check out a few snippets from recent spam comments.  These are actual excerpts:

first sex anal loli avi her video starr socal boys prostitute woman after symptoms pregnant free toon strips guy man my teacher-mrs mcqueen teacher and mrs filmore

in paris ms storm virgin video my lesson our girls decribe hayes teen tinkerbell illustrated stories

late period after first sexual experience vogue tutor video cannon trailer teacher sample movies sexual movie

stories of expierance gay time first sexual contacts

incest stories of expierance stock teacher eporn

bleed lesbains mrs carmen hayes mrs sanders video clemens my galleries

Sexxxy!  Thank you for piquing my interest, spammers.  Now go home, insert a catheter into your tiny cock, and pour Drano into the tube.

And the strangest thing is there's no link and no contact info.  If these idiots somehow managed to reach someone with actual interest in the product, there's no possible way for them to get a sale out of it.  I realize the message was sent via email and yes you could try to reply.  But who would waste their time?  And would the email address even work?

Now on to the message...  I'm going to paste it here just as it looked in my inbox, but I'm hiding it after the jump because it's sorta NSFW.  It's tame, but you probably wouldn't want your boss to walk up behind you while you had it up on your screen.

From: Reginald (walter@griffield.biz)
Date: May 2, 2006 7:39 AM
Subject: V1agra 10 P1lls 100 mg $69.95

So let's break this down a little.  It's a picture of a couple apparently having sex.  I say "apparently" because he may just be moving in to give her the Heimlich.  Maybe she's choking on a meatball or something. 

The other thing I noticed about the picture is the actual position they're in.  Sure, you might assume it's classic rear entry, but I'm not 100% sure he's not sticking in her pooper.

And the text is so fucking funny: "Viagra.  Take the blue pill...  And I show you how far the rabbit hole goes..."  What's the metaphor here?  Rabbit hole = vagina or rabbit hole = bunghole?  Either way, it seems like the implication is that the woman in the picture is begging the reader to take Viagra and if you do, she'll let you bone her.

If that's the case, this lady's a total slut.  All you have to do is take a boner pill and she'll spread 'em for you.  But it's only implied that the lady is the one making the statement.  What if it's actually a request from Reginald the spammer?  Does this guy want to have sex with me?

As you can see I've got a lot of questions.  but the truth is, I don't care to find out the answers.  So here's my response:

Reginald,

Thank you for your email.  I'm flattered that you think of me that way.  But I'm married.  And I'm not gay.  And I don't need Viagra to get a hard-on.  And I don't care how far your rabbit hole goes.  In fact, I have no interest in your rabbit hole whatsoever.  And that pic was weak.  Next time don't crop out the nips.

Leave me alone,
JJ

P.S.  You suck as a salesman.

I'm not even sure it's spam. There's no advertising involved or anything. In fact, don't even bother reading the whole thing. Just skim down to the part where I make fun of it.

From: kimberly_l2006@yahoo.com
Subject: Dear friend lets be friends because friends are like clothes without clothes one is naked

Hello Dear,

I am a 30 year old single by name, Lujan Kimberly, a U.S.A Nationality from the New York City N.Y.C at present living and working here in Montreal, Quebec, Canada. I have brown/red hair, hazel eyes. I am LOOKING FOR A PAL so if that bothers you, sorry. I enjoy spending time with the right person, just getting to know more about them.

Am a cuddle bug. I like to just sit curled up somewhere, not necesarily in front of the T.V., just in your arms. Am an honest, sincere, kind hearted person, who has had a streak of bad luck in love lately.

Am hoping to finally find someone who will take my heart and treat it like it's made of glass. Am tired of being hurt. No more head games, and NO ONE THAT IS MEDICATED!!! No alcoholics either.

So if you think that you might be interested, just let me know. By contacting me through my pravite mail address which is, kimberly_lujan2006@newyork.com .What am looking for? I want a real lover, a coat and tie kind of person, who smells nice, and who would be a good start. I want the kind of person, who meant be so carring than I do.

I have high standards for myself. I'm fiercly loyal to my family and my job. I work with an N.G.O here in Montreal, Quebec, Canada with a recuitment organization. I'm kind, caring, and warm. I love to meet new people. I enjoy traveling and watching comedies. I also love a good romance. I believe first impressions are very important in any courtship.

Am looking for the one, who is ready for a young person like me, who knows what they wants. Am looking for a serious relationship as well. I'm ready to settle down. Also, Am a spiritual person. I attend mass quite frequently.So if you know that you are really intrested dont fail to contact me through my e-mail. kimberly_lujan2006@newyork.com .

Thanks

Sincerely Yours
Lujan Kimberly
Montreal, Quebec, Canada.

Dear Lujan,

Let's start from the top: You're an idiot.

You say you're "a 30 year old single by name, Lujan Kimberly, a U.S.A Nationality from the New York City N.Y.C." That makes no sense whatsoever. You barely speak English - or if you do speak English, you're half-retarded. Either way, you're not from New York City N.Y.C. you repetitive moron.

You say you're "LOOKING FOR A PAL." Well you're doing a great job so far. Everyone knows the best way to make friends is to randomly email total strangers.

You say you just want to be my pal, but you also say you're a "cuddle bug" who wants to "sit curled up" in my arms. Oh shit... Now I get it. You're a fucking cocktease.

Next up... "NO ONE THAT IS MEDICATED!!!" What the fuck is your problem, bitch? Some people need insulin. Others need Prozac. And every once in a while, some people need a little chiba. Then you ruin the whole letter with your next line: "No alcoholics either." Count me out, dummy.

And why did you send this email from kimberly_l2006@yahoo.com when you say your "pravite mail address... is, kimberly_lujan2006@newyork.com?" I'm not even going to call you out on the word "pravite," because the way I see it, that's a perfectly acceptable mistake for a bitchy, mentally challenged cocktease. But why do you have two email addresses? If you want me to reply to a certain email address, then you'd send the email from that address, stupid.

"What am [I] looking for? I want a real lover" Oh great. Here we go again. Another moron who asks herself questions.

"I want the kind of person, who meant be so carring than I do." Nothing I say could sufficiently illustrate how much I hate you and your awful grammar.

"I work with an N.G.O here in Montreal." For their sake, I hope they have top-notch copy editors.

"Am looking for the one, who is ready for a young person like me, who knows what they wants." Perfect. I know exactly what I want: For you to leave me the fuck alone.

Thank you for emailing me, Lujan. You've given me something to do for then next hour or so. I'll be subscribing you to every spam list I can find. Dumbass.

Regards,
JJ

Well then try it - Duhhhhh... The Babelizer does this automatically.

The site is pretty slow, but be patient - It's worth it.

Here's an example...
Original English Text:
Comment spammers should be put to sleep.

Translated to French:
Des inondateurs de commentaire devraient être mis pour dormir.

Translated back to English:
Inondateurs of comment should be put to sleep.

Translated to German:
Inondateurs des Kommentars sollte gesetzt werden, um zu schlafen.

Translated back to English:
Inondateurs of the comment should be set, in order to sleep.

Translated to Italian:
Inondateurs del commento dovrebbe essere regolato, per dormire.

Translated back to English:
Inondateurs of the comment would have to be regulated, in order to sleep.

Translated to Portuguese:
Inondateurs do comentário teria que ser regulado, a fim dormir.

Translated back to English:
Inondateurs of the commentary would have that to be regulated, the end to sleep.

Translated to Spanish:
Inondateurs del comentario tendría eso que se regulará, el extremo para dormir.

Translated back to English:
Inondateurs of the commentary would have that will be regulated, the end to sleep.