The Churning
3Mar/064

2500 Hits – Free Web Traffic

Want hundreds of people to visit your site today? They'll totally ignore it, they won't read a single word, and they'll forget you exist - but it's kind of cool to see an additional 2500 hits in one day on your Statcounter.

I tried it and it works. Sign up here:

It's a web traffic service that works a little like BlogExplosion, except you don't have to click anything for the pages to advance. So no one's really reading any of the content, they're just surfing for traffic.

I didn't even bother to surf other sites, I just took advantage of the sign-up offer. All you have to do is enter your e-mail address and your site's URL. They send a confirmation email and within 24 hours you'll get hundreds of hits. I do suggest you enter an e-mail address that you rarely use, just in case they spam it. I keep a dummy email address just for stuff like this.

I guess this kind of thing caters to stat whores like me.

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Tagged as: 4 Comments
20Dec/0520

‘Tis the Season for Tagging

Blame Christa for this one:

You get one wish of anything, what would you ask for?
I wish you would be my friend.

Wish for 6 more wishes.
1. I wish Google wasn't such a fucking mess. They dropped me again. Search for The Churning and you'll find us on page 9. And it's not even our main page. Googlebots = cockblocks.
2. I wish all comment spammers would contract painful genital warts and a horrible case of anal leakage.
3. I wish people would stop trying to teach public school children that evolution is "just a theory." At least Pennsylvania made the right decision. Teach that shit in church if you must. Besides, everyone knows that Earth was created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
4. I wish a local brewery would suddenly offer me a shitload of money to work in their corporate office, where they'd be terribly impressed by my half-assed attempt to pretend to be busy for 8 hours a day. And each day I could bring a six pack home with me.
5. I wish Philly would legalize marijuana, furthering the city's legacy as a bastion of liberty. Plus I'd like to be able to roll a fatty at the corner bar if the mood struck me.
6. I wish my dog would stop pissing on his jacket. Yes, he wears a jacket. It's fucking cold here. And yes, his aim sucks.

What animal would you be?
Chupacabra. Enough said.

Something you want to do in your life:
Stop being such a lazy piece of shit.

One song you could listen to over and over again:
"My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the tiiiiime."
Or how about - "Ice ice baby. Dun dun dun dun dunununuh."

Coke or Pepsi?
No Coke. Pepsi. Cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger.

Actually I only drink lager.

Something you currently desire:
A large cheese pizza.

One good deed you’ve done lately:
I saved a bunch of kids who were trapped in a burning church. Wait, no. That was Ponyboy.

A funny moment in your life:
I used to work in a drug store photo lab. Full time. After I graduated from college. That's pretty funny in a horribly depressing sort of way.

Now I'm supposed to tag some other people. If you feel like playing along, great. If not, great. Do as you wish, but know this: I played along because I'm no cockblock.
1. Ranting
2. Cinders
3. JuicyA
4. Nicky
5. MacBros

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19Dec/0513

Bigger Your Penis

I got some ridiculous spam this morning:

COME ON LITTLE-D1CK, SPEND 60 BUCKS TO INCREASE 2-INCHES you

Bigger Your Small-Size Peniis
The Only Safe & Natural Way To Bigger ur Size promised
Become Thicker & up to 3-inch longer after 1-2 months

happened Dont Wait, Bigger Today & Fuuck Tomorrow

These spammers really need to take an English refresher course. They're smart enough to misspell "dick," "penis" and "fuck" so they can get past some of the spam blockers, but their grammar is atrocious. Hey fuckass, "bigger" is not a verb.

Even if I did want to buy cock pills, I would make a point not to buy them from these morons on principle. Plus, they immediately insulted me in the subject line. Are there people out there who actually respond to this shit?

*Two redneck roommates*
Jeb: "Hey Billy Bob, check out this here ee-lectronic mail message I got on my typy thingy."
Billy Bob: "What? That African millionaire write back to tell you he got that money you sent?"
Jeb: "Nope. Even better. I'm gon' bigger my penis!"
Billy Bob: "Don't be so dumb. You can't bigger your penis."
Jeb: "Uh-huh. It says right here. I can bigger today and fuck tomorrow."
Billy Bob: "Damn. That must be for real and all. It says bigger your size promised. Promised is like a guar-on-tee."
Jeb: "Well got-damn! I can get me three more inches. That means I can bigger my willy to five inches!"
Billy Bob: "You ree-tard. You can't do no math. You just said your dinger is only two inches."
Jeb: "Ummmm..."
Billy Bob: "Oh. You better order that shit."

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Tagged as: 13 Comments
3Dec/056

Spammers Beware

MacBros came up with a new way to combat comment spam. He changes the comment to say what he thinks it should say. Here's one of the altered comments:

bentyl tablet

Hi I’m a low life Spammer. I suck balls and need a good cock punch for trying to spamm MacBros’ Blog with my feeble attempt of sneeking a link to my website to generate traffic because I’m to fucken cheap to pay for aadvertising.

This is the link I tried to place http://bentyl-tablet.boxmom.info/ballsucker.html

I used to respond to the spam comments with insults, but MacBros' method is fucking genius.

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Tagged as: 6 Comments
30Sep/0521

E-mail Spammers Should Rot in Hell (Which Doesn’t Actually Exist)

An insulting e-mail was forwarded to me from someone I care about. I'm going to attack this e-mail, but keep in mind, I'm addressing the person who wrote it and not the person who forwarded it to me.

This very strange e-mail attempts to prove that Christianity belongs in the US government. It goes a little further, suggesting that Christians make better elected officials. And then it crosses the line entirely, suggesting that Atheists, Muslims, Buddhists, etc should "sit down and shut up."

I have not confirmed the validity of any of the e-mail's claims, but I assume most are true. However, I do not by any means believe that the "facts" prove Christianity should be mandated - quite the opposite. I say this e-mail proves that some Christians, especially the ones who buy into this shit, are bigoted awful people.

Drum roll please.... here's the e-mail:

DID YOU KNOW? As you walk up the steps to the building which houses the U.S. Supreme Court you can see near the top of the building a row of the world's law givers and each one is facing one in the middle who is facing forward with a full frontal view ... it is Moses and he is holding the Ten Commandments!

DID YOU KNOW? As you enter the Supreme Court courtroom, the two huge oak doors have the Ten Commandments engraved on each lower portion of each door.

DID YOU KNOW? As you sit inside the courtroom, you can see the wall, right above where the Supreme Court judges sit, a display of the Ten Commandments!

DID YOU KNOW? There are Bible verses etched in stone all over the Federal Buildings and Monuments in Washington, D.C.

DID YOU KNOW? James Madison, the fourth president, known as "The Father of Our Constitution" made the following statement: "We have staked the whole of all our political institutions upon the capacity of mankind for self-government, upon the capacity of each and all of us to govern ourselves, to control ourselves, to sustain ourselves according to the Ten Commandments of God."

DID YOU KNOW? Patrick Henry, that patriot and Founding Father of our country said: "It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great nation was founded not by religionists but by Christians, not on religions but on the Gospel of Jesus Christ."

DID YOU KNOW? Every session of Congress begins with a prayer by a paid preacher, whose salary has been paid by the taxpayer since 1777.

DID YOU KNOW? Fifty-two of the 55 founders of the Constitution were members of the established orthodox churches in the colonies.

DID YOU KNOW? Thomas Jefferson worried that the Courts would overstep their authority and instead of interpreting the law would begin making law an oligarchy the rule of few over many.

DID YOU KNOW? The very first Supreme Court Justice, John Jay, said: "Americans should select and prefer Christians as their rulers."

How, then, have we gotten to the point that everything we have done for 220 years in this country is now suddenly wrong and unconstitutional?

Lets put it around the world and let the world see and remember what this great country was built on. I was asked to send this on if I agreed or delete if I didn't. Now it is your turn... It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore, it is very hard to understand why there is such a mess about having the Ten Commandments on display or "In God We Trust" on our money and having God in the Pledge of Allegiance. Why don't we just tell the other 14% to Sit Down and SHUT UP!!!

If you agree, pass this on, I second that! In God we Trust

For argument's sake, let's say these "facts" are accurate. What this tells me:

  • This country was founded by a group of white men who believed that a magical ghost created the universe.
  • These men were bigots who believed there is one valid religion - and anyone who does not believe in God is not welcome in this country.
  • Beyond that, anyone who believes in a different God does not belong here either.
  • The founding fathers actually did not support the first Amendment of the US Constitution, which states, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof."
  • Thomas Jefferson must have been an oddball, suggesting there should be a separation of Church and State.
  • The United States is not actually a "melting pot" as many have suggested. The "poor huddled masses" are in fact not welcome here... unless they're Christians.
  • Our laws should be based on a set of ten rules that were written down more than three thousand years ago. Because things don't change over time. Rules like "Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image" make perfect sense in 2005.

Okay... back to reality. Here's my take:

  • I do not believe in God.
  • Even so, I should feel welcome in my own country.
  • Laws written to govern me should not be based on religion.
  • I should have the freedom to believe what I want to believe without being told to "sit down and shut up."

I support the freedom of speech. And as all of you know, I do not "shut up" for anyone. So, to the author of this e-mail, I say "Fuck you."

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