It all started with a little fracas at a bar. I have no idea why anyone would mess with this dude. He's fucking tough. Check out how cops say it went down...

The cops showed up and saw some pushing and shoving. Jenkins says one of the dudes tried to grab his chain - maybe trying to steal it or even just trying to choke him with it. So he was pissed. He started swinging. Seriously, Jenkins was willing to take on five dudes at a bar. He knew he could take them.

The cops flipped out, yelling for him to stop. He didn't listen. Jenkins threw one more punch, so the cops tased him. Let me repeat that. The cops saw six guys in a fight and they decided to tase the one guy they thought could do some real damage. The fight was five against one and they knew the five dudes didn't stand a chance. So Jenkins got tased. (Insert your own "don't tase me bro" joke here.)

Game over, right? Nope.

Jenkins got up after being tased and fucking took off running. The cops had to chase him for a block and a half before they finally caught up with him and arrested him.

How would you like to go up against that guy on a football field? Willing to take on five dudes in a brawl, withstands being tased, and still manages to sprint a couple blocks to escape the cops. Yep. Genuine badass.

(Hat tip Joe The - http://thefinestkindofpork.blogspot.com/)

I said "Where you headed?"

Dude laughed, thinking I was being sarcastic and said, "Yeah it's gonna be a good game tonight."

I don't follow baseball. I know the Phillies are the current champs and all, but the sport is just fucking boring. Apparently my neighbors had tickets and were headed to the ballpark. I guess it was obvious to everyone but me.

At least the guy thought I was trying to be funny and didn't openly mock me for being completely oblivious. Or maybe he thought I was being a moron and he decided to be nice about it.

Q: What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching Super Bowl XLIII?
A: The Dallas Cowboys.

Q: What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q: How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: Why was Wade Phillips upset when the Dallas Cowboys' play book was stolen?
A: Because he hadn't finished coloring it.

Q: What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.

Q: What do the Dallas Cowboys and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

I could not possibly hate a commercial more than I hate this one. The song is catchy and completely awful at the same time. I will never buy a Toyota. Ever.

The original song is from The Fixx, an 80's band. It's full of syncopated percussion, synth sounds, tons of reverb, a mulleted singer with a grim face, and vocals that sound almost like a slightly more upbeat version of Joy Division. Totally 80's, but not vomit-inducing.

The song in the commercial, however, is clearly a studio recording by some piece of shit classic rock cover band doing their version of a song that was mediocre to begin with. Imagine a backwoods Florida rock band in black t-shirts, tight acid washed jeans, waterfall mullets, and black Reebok high-tops performing a full set of Foreigner songs. Then out of nowhere they sneak in their version of this clusterfuck by The Fixx. That's how bad this song (and this commercial) is.

Watch at your own risk. If you off yourself after witnessing this atrocity, I will accept no responsibility whatsoever. I warned you.

But I never really paid much attention to any other teams. I could give a hot steamy shit if the Chargers were playing the Niners.

Then last year I joined the office fantasy football league. I became obsessed. I learned about all the key players on every team. I knew who was injured, which teams had the best pass defense, which player had the best record playing in domes, etc. I won the pool last year, so my obsession sort of paid off.

Even more so, I really enjoyed watching football. Gambling does that for me. Suddenly I'm into Texas Hold'em. Or I'll decide that pool is my favorite game.

During the offseason, it all sort of fell out of my head like R. Budd Dwyer's brain. By the time the fantasy football draft rolled around again, I couldn't remember any of the football facts that I stored in my mental file just a few months earlier. Still, I did my homework and made some decent selections in the draft. Now, 4 weeks into the season, I'm obsessed again.

Stupid trivia I'll forget in a couple months:

• Brian Leonard backs up Steven Jackson, but it doesn't matter because St. Louis sucks this year.
• When Terrell Owens draws heavy coverage, Patrick Crayton can be a badass.
• Cadillac Williams is an injury magnet.
• Dwayne Bowe is a rookie phenom with touchdowns in three straight games.
• The Eagles are only good if they are wearing bright yellow.

Add to the list if you're a football dork. If not, go away and leave me alone - I'm busy setting up my roster for Sunday.

I don't care if I'm an old man, I'm going to start skateboarding again. I picked up a new deck today at a Philly skate shop called Sub Zero. The deck is made by Traffic Skateboards which is owned and operated out of South Philly. Ricky Oyola runs the company - he's a Philadelphia icon known for his fearless skating style, weaving through city traffic as he pops tricks.

The deck is part of Traffic's Philadelphia History Series. Other models commemorate happy moments in Philly's past, but not this one. It's kind of creepy actually. As I was walking out of the skateshop, a dude saw the board and did a double take. "Did that skateboard come like that? Was that actually painted on there?" "Yeah." He shook his head in disgust and walked away. That made me happy.

 at the dog track on saturday. awesome guy.

Another year,
another celebration of the birth of The King.

It’s Elvis’ Birthday and depending on how well you know me,
you know exactly what this means to me.
Well, this year it has extra special meaning.
You see, my beloved University of Florida
Fightin Florida Gators American-Style Football Club
is playing some jackass team from ohio
for the National Championship.

So normally I would take this yearly opportunity
to remind you to raise a glass to ole Señor Presley
and maybe update you on my life
[I moved to New York City. Still in “the industry”,
still “writing”. New girlfriend, same poverty.
Do visit. Blah blah blah]

But this year things are different.
Not that I’m big into fate
or harmonic convergence or what have you,
but my Gators are playing on Elvismas for the big one,
so I cannot ignore the coincidence.

Which brings me to the little favor for joejeo:
I want you to clearly say…
right as your reading this email…
out loud…
just once…
and not just in your head because he can’t hear you…
(I mean ‘duh’)
I want you to say…

“Hey Elvis, help them Gators win today!”

See, I figure both sides,
Florida and ohio
are entreating Jesus and God.
So what side to take, right?
The one with more Evangelicals?
Bob Jones doesn’t even have a 1-A squad for f*ck sake!
I’m saying all them dudes are sticking with the
Impartial Observer bit.
And with Allah,
well, I’m not even going to get into that…
well let’s just say
it’s got his non-anthropomorphic-in-any-way hands
full right now.
Oi!

So that leaves us with Elvis.
One thing that everyone used to say about Elvis
was that he loved his fans.
He really loved his fans.
So if a huge number of people ask him to pull for one team.
And he can hear us (big IF)
Well, I imagine that he’s down in the TV room
in that great big Graceland in the Sky.
Oh boy and you know he loves his college ball.
Well, I’m just sayin, with a little asking,
he might help with a few first downs
for Chris Leak and the boys.

So today as you open presents,
watch “Viva Las Vegas” or “Mystery Train”,
get hammered and make an ass of yourself,
or just blithely notice it’s his birthday on IMDb today,
take a moment to ask him out loud to help out the Gators.

I know it’s silly,
but it’s silly not too.
(uh… right?)

“Hey Elvis, help them Gators win today!”

Happy Elvismas Everybody!
Go Gators.

-joe

That was 16 weeks ago. Now the season's over. And guess who ended up in first place and walked away with the cash? That's right - your ol' buddy JJ!

Was it worth $120 for me to dedicate several hours a week for 4 straight months to a game I openly admit is for dorks? Hell fucking yes. For the first time in years, I've had a reason to watch pro football. Somehow gambling, even in small amounts, makes pro sports so much more interesting. It's not even about the money so much as it is about bragging rights. First I win the NCAA tournament pool (thanks to my alma mater Florida), and now I'm the reigning Fantasy Football champ. Fuck yeah.

But aside from being a completely geeky hobby - I did discover another negative aspect to Fantasy Football. It's something I didn't anticipate back in August when I first wrote about it. Fantasy sports are so entirely based on individual performance that they have the potential to ruin your team spirit. Who gives a shit if your favorite team is playing the Saints? Drew Brees is on your Fantasy team - let's see some New Orleans touchdowns, bitches! I actually tried to create a compromise between the two in my head. "I know we want the Eagles to win - but I also need Tiki Barber to have at least a 100-yard game. Let's just hope Philly wins and it's a high scoring game. Go Tiki!... I mean - Go Birds!"

Now that the fantasy season's over, I'm going to have a shitload of free time... Maybe I'll read a book or something.... Nahhh, fuck that. It's college basketball season and March Madness is right around the corner. I should really start researching.

________________________

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