Happy Elvismas and Go Gators!

As you are all aware, my alma mater Florida is facing off tonight against the evil Buckeyes in the College Football National Championship game. And while the Ohio State faithful will surely pray to their heartland deity Jesus Christ for divine assistance (how cliché can you get?), my college roommate Joe wants Gator fans to seek the help of a true Southern god-hero-king, Elvis Presley. Here's Joe's request:

Another year,
another celebration of the birth of The King.

It’s Elvis’ Birthday and depending on how well you know me,
you know exactly what this means to me.
Well, this year it has extra special meaning.
You see, my beloved University of Florida
Fightin Florida Gators American-Style Football Club
is playing some jackass team from ohio
for the National Championship.

So normally I would take this yearly opportunity
to remind you to raise a glass to ole Señor Presley
and maybe update you on my life
[I moved to New York City. Still in “the industry”,
still “writing”. New girlfriend, same poverty.
Do visit. Blah blah blah]

But this year things are different.
Not that I’m big into fate
or harmonic convergence or what have you,
but my Gators are playing on Elvismas for the big one,
so I cannot ignore the coincidence.

Which brings me to the little favor for joejeo:
I want you to clearly say…
right as your reading this email…
out loud…
just once…
and not just in your head because he can’t hear you…
(I mean ‘duh’)
I want you to say…

“Hey Elvis, help them Gators win today!”

See, I figure both sides,
Florida and ohio
are entreating Jesus and God.
So what side to take, right?
The one with more Evangelicals?
Bob Jones doesn’t even have a 1-A squad for f*ck sake!
I’m saying all them dudes are sticking with the
Impartial Observer bit.
And with Allah,
well, I’m not even going to get into that…
well let’s just say
it’s got his non-anthropomorphic-in-any-way hands
full right now.
Oi!

So that leaves us with Elvis.
One thing that everyone used to say about Elvis
was that he loved his fans.
He really loved his fans.
So if a huge number of people ask him to pull for one team.
And he can hear us (big IF)
Well, I imagine that he’s down in the TV room
in that great big Graceland in the Sky.
Oh boy and you know he loves his college ball.
Well, I’m just sayin, with a little asking,
he might help with a few first downs
for Chris Leak and the boys.

So today as you open presents,
watch “Viva Las Vegas” or “Mystery Train”,
get hammered and make an ass of yourself,
or just blithely notice it’s his birthday on IMDb today,
take a moment to ask him out loud to help out the Gators.

I know it’s silly,
but it’s silly not too.
(uh… right?)

“Hey Elvis, help them Gators win today!”

Happy Elvismas Everybody!
Go Gators.

-joe

I’m a Dork Because I’m Addicted to Fantasy Football

Remember my post a few months ago titled "Fantasy Football is for Great Big Dorks"? In that entry, I claimed that fantasy sports are the adult version of Dungeons and Dragons. I still think that's true, but in the name of fun I succumbed to the pressure and joined a fantasy league with a dozen friends.

That was 16 weeks ago. Now the season's over. And guess who ended up in first place and walked away with the cash? That's right - your ol' buddy JJ!

Was it worth $120 for me to dedicate several hours a week for 4 straight months to a game I openly admit is for dorks? Hell fucking yes. For the first time in years, I've had a reason to watch pro football. Somehow gambling, even in small amounts, makes pro sports so much more interesting. It's not even about the money so much as it is about bragging rights. First I win the NCAA tournament pool (thanks to my alma mater Florida), and now I'm the reigning Fantasy Football champ. Fuck yeah.

But aside from being a completely geeky hobby - I did discover another negative aspect to Fantasy Football. It's something I didn't anticipate back in August when I first wrote about it. Fantasy sports are so entirely based on individual performance that they have the potential to ruin your team spirit. Who gives a shit if your favorite team is playing the Saints? Drew Brees is on your Fantasy team - let's see some New Orleans touchdowns, bitches! I actually tried to create a compromise between the two in my head. "I know we want the Eagles to win - but I also need Tiki Barber to have at least a 100-yard game. Let's just hope Philly wins and it's a high scoring game. Go Tiki!... I mean - Go Birds!"

Now that the fantasy season's over, I'm going to have a shitload of free time... Maybe I'll read a book or something.... Nahhh, fuck that. It's college basketball season and March Madness is right around the corner. I should really start researching.

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