You Remind me of Vomit
Samantha Burns tagged me - and while I don't always play along with these things, this one seemed like a great opportunity for me to make fun of my fellow bloggers.
Here are the rules:
1. Pick 5 random blogfriends.
2. Think of a word or phrase that you describes each friend.
3. Do an image search of that word or phrase, using a search engine of your choice.
4. Pick an image that makes you say, "Aha! That's it!"
Zombie Flyboy - Vomit? Yep. He is a zombie after all. Oh yeah - and he participated in "crotch vomiting" on the TV show HEE HAW.
JuicyA - She's got some strange fascination with the all-powerful Chuck Norris. I think she has every season of Walker Texas Ranger on DVD.
Jessica - Thirsty Thursdays anyone?
April - Breezy says she'd have sex with Angelina Jolie. Who could blame her?
RockyJay - No I'm not saying he's an ass. Dude keeps an "ass of the day" page.
If I linked to your site, consider yourself tagged. Participate if you want. If not, you're a cockblock.
Answer Your Own Questions
Last week, while playing pool and downing several cans of PBR, Momo and I met a girl who likes to ask a lot of questions. Trouble is, she likes to answer them too.
Girl: "Do I think the war is a good idea? No... But do I support our troops? Yes."
Me: "Okay. So if there was a draft and you got the letter - you know, the letter saying you're next in line to head to Iraq, you'd be okay with that?"
Girl: "Would I want to fight in Iraq? No... Do I think the U.S. should enact the draft? No.... But do I think of myself as a patriot? Hell yes. I love this country."
Me: "Why are you asking yourself all those questions?"
Girl: "Do I ask myself questions? I didn't realize that."
Me: "You just did it again."
Girl: "I did? Huh - I guess I did."
Momo and I mocked her a bit. Luckily she was a good sport about it. Then we decided to try talking like that for an entire conversation.
Me: "Am I hungry? Yes."
Momo: "Am I hungry too? Yes."
Me: "Do I want pizza for dinner? Definitely."
Momo: "Do I care? Nope."
Me: "Am I going to order pizza anyway? Yep."
Momo: "Am I going to order sushi? Maybe?"
Me: "Are we going to talk like this all night? Probably."
Momo: "Am I going to get sick of it? Absolutely."
Me: "Should we watch TV and stop talking? Yes."
Momo: "Do I think that's a good idea? Yep."
Outdated Terms We Still Use
Every once in a while, I'll use a term that's way outdated.
For example, when I buy a new CD, I'll say, "Hey, I bought that new Morrissey record." Yeah, I know I should probably downplay the fact that I listen to Morrissey, but that's not the point. The point is - I still refer to CDs as "records" or even "albums." I do have a record player, but I rarely buy records. It seems like a lot of people don't even buy CDs anymore. Record schmecord. CD schmee-dee.
Here are a few others:
- Tape
example: "Did you tape that show you wanted to watch?"
Does anyone even have VHS anymore? It's all about TiVo or DVR these days. - Rent a video
example: "Have you seen The Aristocrats?" "Yeah, I rented the video. I was bored out of my fucking mind."
This goes back to the VHS thing. Does anyone rent videos? I should say, "I Netflixed that shit, bitch." - Turn the channel
example: "Why'd you turn the channel? You know I'm watching the Gator game!"
You kids out there might not believe it, but TVs used to have a dial on them for changing the channel. You'd literally have to "turn" the channel. - Dial the phone
Again with the dials! What was with all the fucking dials? Remember rotary phones? That's why commercials say "Dial 1-800-FUCK-YOUR-MOTHER" or whatever - you get the point. There's no need to say "dial" when referring to a phone number - because there's no "dial" on a modern phone. Just say "call" instead.
I Used to be a News Producer
As some of you know, I was in the TV news business for five years. I gave up on that career and three years later, I'm finally back to where I started.
During most of my news career, I worked as a Producer. That means I planned out one news broadcast a day and wrote a lot of what the anchors said. It was a pretty cool job, but the hours sucked donkey balls. See - if you're working on the 7am broadcast, most of your shift is spent preparing for the show. The actual broadcast is the end of your day. So you show up at 11pm, start planning the show, help make sure everything runs smoothly from 7am to 8am, then you're done. Time to head to the bar.
For three or four years, I rarely saw Momo. I was working overnights, weekends, night shift - I was fucked. And then when the planets aligned and Momo and I somehow managed to have the same day off work, I was fucking exhausted. We'd go to the movies and I'd be asleep within five minutes.
The trouble is, I was on a roll. I was making more and more money, taking on new responsibilities, getting promoted, etc. I was a rising star in one of the largest markets in the country. How could I give that up? You wanna know how? It was EASY. I gave my two weeks notice and counted down the days. Goodbye, news biz.
Then I was fucked again. No job. New city. No friends. One of these days I'll tell you about the job I thought I was leaving the news biz for. The hiring manager was a fucking cockblock.
I've worked at two companies since then. The first job I accepted was for five grand less than I was making in TV news. It took a while, but I worked my way up. Then Momo and I moved up to Philly and I managed to steer clear of the news biz. I took a great job with a small company and I've done pretty well for myself here.
Now we're up to the present. I've just accepted a new position within the company. The promotion included a raise and my salary is back up to where I thought it would be if I continued along my path as a News Producer.
So after three years of frustration and second-guessing, I'm finally confident that I made the right decision. I'm working weekdays, I get to hang out with Momo every day, I'm making decent money, and I truly love my job. TV news can suck my cock.
(Sorry about that last line. I just couldn't bear to end on something as cheesy as "I truly love my job." That's just lame.)
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