1. Spiders live inside the couch. If you fall asleep there at night, they crawl out of the couch and all over your body and face. They might even lay eggs inside your ears and mouth.

2. Peanut butter and crackers combine to form glue inside your stomach. Eating too many crackers with peanut butter will basically turn your insides into a brick. You won't be able to digest any food or water and eventually you'll die from starvation.

3. Watermelon seeds grow into vines inside your stomach. Similar to #2 on this list, if you swallow watermelon seeds, they'll grow into vines that spread into your esophagus and intestines. And if you survive that, they'll eventually sprout watermelons that sill surely obstruct your digestion and breathing until you die.

4. If you stay in one position too long, your bones will fuse into place. Don't sit still for too long on the couch or you won't be able to bend your arms and legs. This also affects how you sleep. You have to wake up every hour or two and move around so you won't turn into a human statue overnight.

These days, things are changing. Smoking is prohibited in Philly bars and restaurants. And a lot of places (work included) don't want you to smoke within a certain distance of the front entrance. These factors didn't influence me much. I could have continued smoking despite the minor inconveniences. Still, I quit. Not that I ever smoked much to begin with (never more than a pack a week). I just got bored with it. I don't know if I ever truly enjoyed the act of smoking. It was probably more about the social aspect.

I guess it's been six months or so since I officially quit. I'm not going to tell you I feel healthier, because I can barely tell a difference. Again, I wasn't much of a smoker anyway. But some things have changed.

One thing that feels completely different is my view of habitual smokers. When I leave the office for a lunch break and it's 45 degrees and raining in October, it just seems weird to see someone standing alone outside facing the weather while sucking down a Marlboro Light. It's a gloomy sight.

The same is true for people at restaurants. When I'm eating dinner with friends, I look around and see tables full of laughing, smiling faces chatting over food and drinks. Then off in the distance, just beyond the plate glass windows flanking the front doors, there are a couple of lonely smokers taking a break from dinner. Is dinner at a restaurant so exhausting or boring that one needs a smoke break?

As weird as this all seems to me, I realize I have my own issues - my own ways to escape. At work, I may not stand outside in the chilly weather all alone. Instead, I sit in my pathetic cubicle all day, often without any sunlight for 8 or 9 hours straight. Shit, I even eat lunch at my desk most days. My only chances for some brief moments of escape are the few opportunities I take to surf or check my email or chat with my wife on IM.

And when I'm out at a restaurant, I have to fight my urge to check my email or look up sports scores on my smartphone. I may be engaged in conversation, but I'm probably thinking about things I need to remember to look up online. You reference a movie in conversation? I can't wait to look it up on IMDb. And if you run to the restroom, I'll gladly keep myself entertained.

So while I recognize that my own behavior is odd and perhaps flawed, I can't help my own evolving perception that smoking is a very strange habit. So weird!

"wd love to see pix of naked albino men, better if bearded, better still if uncut."

It strikes me as odd that this reader would contact me as a resource for gay albino porn. I'm no expert. And I'm not gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). That being said, I have stumbled across some sites that might answer his request. In fact, you can find those by sifting through the comments left on my entry titled "Albino Porn Doesn't Exist."

One additional note: If you have a fetish for albinos, it must be a real challenge to meet someone who can fulfill your fantasies. A foot fetish? Much much easier. Everyone has feet.

Apparently, that's sort of a hobby for my former employer. He was my boss' boss' boss - the dude upstairs in the suit that you maybe only see once a month. I met with him once or twice before I left that job. Seemed like a nice enough guy. I never saw him pitch a tent in his office. He didn't have any cock photos framed on his desk. Guess he was good a separating business and pleasure.

I can only imagine what other execs are doing with their free time...

Then a couple months later, my pal Ev told me about his blog. He and his friends were posting personal stories and whatnot on some random website every day for complete strangers to read. Super odd. Why would anyone want to share their personal shit with the world? And who cared enough to read about it?

And around that same time in my life, I had one email account that I checked maybe once a week. If someone needed to reach me, it would be more efficient to drive to my house and knock on my door than to email me. They'd get a faster response anyway.

I really don't know what changed, but it happened very quickly. I joined Ev's blog, then another, then started my own. I set up separate email accounts for my various websites. I tested the waters with a few different instant messaging systems. Blah blah blah.

Now I'm fucking addicted. I have a cell phone that buzzes every time I receive an email to any one of my 5 email accounts. I have profiles on who knows how many social networking sites (MySpace is the only one I pay any attention to). I communicate via IM every chance I get. I far prefer it over the phone. In fact, my entire relationship with my fiancee Lulu was forged via IM. And even when I do use my phone, I almost always send a text message instead of calling.

I have a few friends that are like me in this sense. Web addicted. And there are others who still check their email maybe once a week or don't necessarily respond to emails when they read them. Somehow I've lost that ability. If I get an email, I usually respond within minutes.

I really had no idea where I was going with all of this rambling... but I just thought of a good way to wrap this all up: If you are my friend and I don't call you as often as I probably should, maybe try sending me an email or a text. Or look for me on Google chat. Or hit me up on MySpace. Or leave a comment on my blog. I'll respond.

So I wanted to create my own 12 step program for people who want to quit drinking or shooting up or whatever. But this shit ain't easy. I've only gotten to step five so far and now I have writer's block. Here's what I have so far:

Step one: We can have lots of fun
Step two: Theres so much we can do
Step three: It's just you and me
Step four: I can give you more
Step five: Don't you know the time has arrived

Okay, that was a long way to go for a stupid gag. Fuck it.

Also - Travis's roommate wants to know "What's weirder: gay blacks or gay Asians?"

Pretty soon you're entertaining hundreds of virtual friends on a daily basis, revealing certain dirty little secrets that you might not share with your casual real-life friends.

But then you realize... If you're going to be completely honest on your website, odds are you don't want your boss/parents/friends to read it. Too bad you mentioned your blog to your closest friends and your boyfriend/girlfriend. Because maybe they happened to mention it to a mutual friend after they read something particularly funny/revealing. Soon your coworkers are reading it and your Mom stops by from time to time.

This is the point in the blog's lifespan where you have to make a decision:

Do you write about the cockjowling that took place Friday night? It would be hilarious for the hundreds of daily visitors who know how much of a fucked up freak you really are. But then again, do you want your coworkers to know what kind of person you are when it's 3:30am and you've had half a dozen wine spodiodis and twice as many Magic Hats?

Tough call.

Thanks to everyone who made the trip to the Knitting Factory in New York to catch The Codes live. The crowd was amazing. We got a great response and the vibe was perfect.

And if you didn't see the show, you missed out on one of the strangest moments of stage banter I've ever witnessed. Halfway through the second song, I broke a guitar string. I grabbed the backup guitar and of course I broke a string on that one too. That was our only backup, so Ian and I were left to share one guitar.

Jay grabbed the backup guitar and started changing the string. That left Ian alone at the mic to entertain the audience sans music. He told the following story:

I was at class today and I was getting really tired. So I got a huge cup of coffee and guzzled it. Before I knew it, I felt a huge shit coming on.

I took off for the bathroom and sat down in the middle stall. I dropped a huge log. That sucker was no joke. I flushed to get rid of the smell, but it wasn't over yet. Before I finished, someone took a seat in the stall next to me. I looked down at his shoes and thought they were really weird. They had this odd flowery print on them. Then as I was about to get up, someone took the stall to my left. I looked down I noticed - HIGH HEELS!

I was in the women's bathroom! And the place was packed. A nearby class must have just ended. So I did the only thing I could do... I waited it out. Several minutes went by and after the final set of footsteps went silent, I made a run for it.

I escaped the bathroom without causing any trouble. But I was in there for a while and had plenty of time to think. That experience taught me one thing. When they think they're alone, women talk about the same sort of things guys talk about: sex, drugs, and partying.

The next song we played was a little rough, because we were still focusing on the guitar situation. But after that, we nailed every song. The set was tight and the audience really seemed to dig it. Check out pics from that show and from our other recent events on our pics page.

If you missed out, don't fret. We have several show dates coming up. First, we're playing Tritone in Philly on Nov 22nd. Then we have another Philly gig in December (possibly two). Check out our show dates page or The Codes MySpace page for details.